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Four New Summers: Global Warming Ends Seasons
Due to global warming, we will now basically have one worldwide season: Summer. Calm down, much like Elizabeth Warren, I have a plan for that. We will highlight other factors, so that Fall, Winter and Spring’s traditional designations will be properly replaced without it seeming too jarring to the old folks. You know the ones who whistfully tell stories about some ancient practice called Snow Days at what used to be called Thanksgiving Dinner. But since we are no longer thankful, well, you get it.
To keep the confusion down, these will be the new season signifiers:
Summer will still be known as “Summer.” Fall will now be called “Shorter Days Summer.” What used to be called Winter will be renamed, “You May Need A Light Jacket Summer.” What used to be known as Spring is “You Better Plant It Now Summer.” This is because all plants die in the one hundred twenty five degree Summer months. So, plant your corn in January if you like it.
There will no longer be coat closets in homes. They can be turned into Sunblock Storage areas, holding wide brimmed hats, sunblock arm sleeves, (yes, they’ve been invented) and anti-age spot hand coverings.
Our forests will be saved as there will be no use for firewood anymore. Trees will grow rampantly so fires barely hurt them. Ducks will be safe from being…
